The reason that I entered the Society of Jesus was not to visit campos in the Dominican Republic or to protest war.  I did not actually hear of the Berrigan brothers, the Salvadoran martyrs, or many other “marquee” names until just before I entered the novitiate.  I did not realize that the Jesuits were the “special forces” (?!) of the Church until, as a novice, I heard it from well-meaning lay-people.  I also did not realize that Jesuits were expected to be both the progressive arm of the religious world and the defenders of Roman Catholic Orthodoxy against the threat of atheism and the modern worldview until I was the unwitting backdrop for some friends’ projections.  There is something about being condemned as both a flaming liberal (with no regard for God and the traditions of the faithful) and as a cold-hearted conservative (who willingly participates in the hierarchical structure that damages women and children, encourages the immorality of the wealthy, and undermines the freewill of all humans…everywhere) that is both confusing and more than a little disheartening.

The reason I entered the Society of Jesus was to explore what I believed was a truth: that a human being needs only to live for loving God in order to set his or her world right.  I entered because I wanted to dedicate more of my life to prayer and service.  I wanted to live with other people who were seeking to learn how to love better and to depend more on their relationship with Christ than on their faith in personal power, wealth, and “intimate” sexual relationships.  I was tired of the options I saw the world offering and I wanted instead the promises that were proclaimed in the Gospel.

Let me be direct with you: I have not found Jesus.  I have found a way to both defend “the faith” and be concerned about justice.  I do not defend the faith because I believe it is the Truth.  I defend it because I believe that it reveals the Truth and teaches us how to treat one another, what to aspire to, and how to love who God created us to be.  I do not participate in justice actions because I find the face of Christ more in the poor than in the wealthy or more in suffering than in the contentment.  I participate in acts of justice specifically because they need to be participated in; if we cannot help those who need help, we are the kind of people who ignore those in need.  I “do good” as an expression of my desire to find the Word Incarnate.  I am kind because I feel love in my heart and I want to see it increase.  I “do the right thing” in anticipation and in hope.  I do what I believe scripture points to as the just deed, and speak what I believe that scripture points to as the Truth, not because I have found Jesus but because I am seeking the face of the One, who is the embodiment of love, the word incarnate, the light of the world, “the true light that enlightens all…”(John 1 vs. 9): men and women, young and old, rich and poor.

Seven years later I am still seeking the face of God in the world.  Seven years spent as a Jesuit and trying to practice the Examen without being able to hit it consistently at both mid-day and early-evening for more than a few days in a row.  Seven years of community life, daily mass, Hail Marys, and Jesus prayers.  2500 days of self-reflection sometimes straying into scrupulosity; of odd, peaceful moments where I heard the whisper of His voice; of contemplations that almost seemed too true to believe I was not making them up; of countless attempts to “die to self,” sublimating my desires as I struggled to take seriously these vows of poverty, obedience, and chastity; of measuring my progress by how I feel about who God created me to be.  In all of this time, the ultimate goal, the primary objective, the one, single desire that allows me to keep getting up every day is that I believe that I will come closer to God in this practice.

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