I will be ordained a deacon in twelve days..
But…you know….who is counting.

The question comes: “So, are you nervous?”
The response: I have no idea what I am.

How do I explain that every day my stomach
wants to jump out of my mouth?

My prayer life is rocky, I cannot focus,
and I am completely restless.

How do I explain that my line of conscious thought
is whipping around like a downed power cable or a firehose;

that I have plenty of people that I can talk to,
but that I still cannot trust my emotions;

that the evil spirit is working me over,
and that while I know it is happening, I cannot do anything about it.

Strangely, even in the midst of this
it is equally true that I can feel the presence of grace.

I know that the power cable is attached to the Source on one end,
that the hose is connected to a deep well.

My brother calls it letting God play kite:
God, as a kid with an ice cream cone and a kite, likes to watch us go.

I am not sure I like this image
but it feels right somehow.

I am aware of God’s care
and I know with everything I am that “all will be well?”

But part of me asks
“are you just playing with me?”

They said things might get a little strange as ordination approached.
I did not really take them all that seriously.

Its going to be ok. I feel that actually – it will all be ok.
This is not my vocation after all, its God’s.

It is a strange thing about vocation:
we never quite know where it will take us.

Vocations do not really equate to comfort.
They equate to doing what makes sense to us.

I do this because it seems like a good life,
and because it is something that needs to be done.

I know that I can live this way and find joy and happiness;
I also know that it is not easy.

Then again – whose vocation is?
I mean, if we are doing it right

“Easy” is not why we choose to be doctors and teachers
and plumbers and parents.

We do it because it makes sense: someone has to do it
we can do it, and we find goodness in it.

Vocations are about a response to God’s call
and we get to live out this response with each other.

I chose to respond to the call to be a Jesuit
because I really liked the people I met and the spirituality made sense.

I persist in the call because of God
and the people who have been taking care of me on the way:

Spiritual directors, superiors and colleagues;
Teachers who became friends, friends who became teachers;

People who taught me how to care for others
and how to let myself be cared for.

That is how this vocation happens.
It is not mine, I just get to respond.

As I respond, I continue to learn how to live in ups and downs.
As it is, even now, I am convinced that all will be well.

In good Ignatian fashion
I am relying on a judgment made in consolation.

I am practicing presence of mind
and not taking myself too seriously…this too shall pass.

I am withdrawing from the bank of graces remembered
(and I am grateful that so many deposits were made).

Twelve days to go.
Thy will be done

Related posts:

1. The Joy of Hope
2. Connecting to the Source