The Son of Man
In contemplation, I was sitting at the last supper. I was Judas and I was angry. I turned to Jesus and began a conversation.
“Where is the kingdom you speak of? We are supposed to have a change of heart? Well, I have changed my life for you, but I am still the same man that I was. I still need food to eat and money to spend. I am still looking for detachment from the things of “this world” and trying to store up my other treasure in the place where dust and moth don’t corrode, but when I go to make a withdrawal there is nothing there. In truth, the only really “amazing” thing that you have done is to talk more than it seems is humanly possible.”
“Judas, look around you. Do you see your friends eating? Do you remember where they came from? Do you remember what they had to give up? Do you remember that they had families and jobs? I have told you that they will be rewarded. They will enter the Kingdom of God. But it is not just about what you do, it is about having a change of heart. It is about being reborn!”
“How? With what? All you do is talk about the kingdom. Well we are still oppressed and we still have to scrape for our meals, but not you. You have friends who will sacrifice because they hope that what you offer is the good. You have people who believe in you! So, you might live without a roof, but you have a home wherever you go because the people you “shepherd” are stupidly willing to bear hardship out of their hope in deliverance of some kind. You promise deliverance, but the recipients are few and we still feel pain. Jesus, I have begged for you, I have been mocked because of you, and I have served you and your ministry! I share meals and money with my brothers and I wait for you to show us what this special surprise you have in store for us is. Where is the revelation of the promise you have made? ‘It will come when it comes,’ you say. ‘Things must happen before that happens.’”
At this point Jesus looked at me and I realized that I felt shame. I was ashamed to be Judas, even in contemplation, and I was ashamed to feel anger at Him, the one I should love. I was so concerned about the appearance of things. On the surface, the stories as I was reading them failed to address the simple fact that living with other people brings pain. So what if the Bible appears to indicate that Jesus is the triumph of the Spirit of Truth, the Spirit of God. We say that he is always present, now, and always offering the goodness of God to us. How could that be taken seriously? How could we believe that all of these “deep” scriptural truths matter when the reality of suffering is still so present in the World? Even then, the pain of existence could not be explained away with a couple of stories about miraculous healings and, these days, the resurrection sounds just like any number of other stories I have read over the years. Is Jesus different? How so? How can I claim to follow what I cannot explain? How can I care for others when it does not seem that I have been wholly healed? I want to see the kingdom, but I see suffering in the world and I am often unable to give as much as I feel I need to. I want something hard and concrete that I can point to. I do not want stories of a resurrection and healing miracles. I want a lived experience of the power of the Spirit to astound the Pharisees (or those who I think are like them). In some ways I want to be a Pharisee, to prove my allegiance and wear my godliness on my sleeve where everyone who doubts can see.
Even though I was ashamed to be Judas, I had started to understand something about myself through him. My contemplation continued, but this time I watched as the events began to unfold. When Judas came with the guards, he walked up to Jesus and kissed him. As Jesus asked his question, Judas recognized the tone. It was the voice that Jesus used when he was about to reveal some magnificent lesson. Judas wanted Jesus to do just that. Jesus had promised the kingdom, and would now have to act. Judas had Jesus right where he wanted him. Proof would be forth coming.
Judas failed to recognize the nature of the life he had been given. Judas desired the physical promises of the Kingdom but, because he only saw the flesh of the man and his human limitations, he could not experience the Spirit of the Christ. The deeds of Jesus did not measure up against the wayward disciple’s expectation of the messiah and, as a result, Judas did not understand how he was being called to repentance and transformation. Since he could not recognize the Spirit of the Christ, rather than merely betraying one man, Judas rejected both the possibility that he was being called to share in the life of his teacher as well as the possibility that all things can be made new. He would not find life beyond his current suffering and he would not live to see the resurrection.
In these thoughts, I came to realize that what I was choosing to believe was not a myth about miracles and magnificent words, but rather a hope in transformation and trust that I would learn to be a man of patient compassion. It is not so much that I know for a fact that Jesus did anything, but that I believe, through our faith in him, that people are given the opportunity to experience a grace that transforms, strengthens, heals, and inspires us with love and wisdom. More importantly, I remember that I am not a Christian because I am prone to kindness, patience, and all those other holy things. Rather, I am like Judas. I want proof and when Jesus fails to be the kind of Messiah I expect, I am suddenly ready to betray him. But unlike the man who hung himself in despair all those years ago, I have found myself near the foot of the cross and come to understand something else. I have trusted that God’s grace is present even when I do not understand how. I have lived through suffering and doubt and come to see the resurrection. In the resurrection, I have found hope in transformation, and come to believe that, indeed, all things will be made new.
Photo: “Kiss of Judas * Giotto di Bondone” by Carla 216 from Flickr (Used under Creative Commons license)
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