This Ignatian Life

My landlord invited my roommate and I to leave our apartment this month to do some renovations on the roof, bathroom and ceiling.  At the end of another dizzying school year this seemed like the perfect time for a vacation, yet the shoestring budget of a NYC Catholic school teacher wouldn’t allow much wiggle room for fleeing.  Needing the extra money that summertime tutoring brings and maybe a cake gig or two, I knew I wouldn’t really be able to go far.  Instead, I packed my bags, several books, and my computer and prepared to live a little bit here, a little bit there, visiting friends and doing a little bit of soul renovating along the way.

The first few days of renovation (a.k.a. my displacement) were spent finishing work from the school year–typing Word documents at the speed of light, updating curriculum, preparing reports on struggling students, etc.  I have to commend myself— I was pretty darn productive.  And then the work finished itself up and I was left staring into the tabula rasa that is summer ’10.  This is where the trouble began.  The lack of structure, certainty and purpose in my days was terrifying.  With the predictability and routine of my work environment and my home environment now gone…I too felt gone, lost and unsupported.  My confident, determined, and usually task-driven self all of a sudden felt without purpose.  Why so glum, I thought, when this is SUMMER and well-deserved relaxation should be a welcomed prospect?  The type-A in myself decided to sleep-it-off and wake up in the morning with a concrete list of tasks to put me back on track—go for a walk, do some laundry, call a friend in Omaha, read 2 chapters of a book, bake a pie.  Notice that nowhere along the way did I stop and turn to God…nope, I was the task master.

Go for a walk—check

Laundry—check

Phone call—check

Pie—check

Book— check, and…stop.

The book I picked up was Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet.  I have read through it several times—sometimes slowly mulling over Rilke’s advice and other times racing through the text on a face-paced commute simply to “kill time.”  No matter when read or in what style, Rilke’s message always feels fresh and new.  There’s always something different I am left with at the end of a simple leaf-through.  This time around, it was his advice on writing that stuck with me and his advice on avoiding look OUT to somehow prove one’s worth WITHIN:

“You are looking outside, and that is what you should most avoid right now.

No one can advise or help you – no one.  There is only one thing you should do.  Go into yourself.  Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write.  This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write?  Dig into yourself for a deep answer.  And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple “I must,” then build your life in accordance with this necessity; your while life, even into its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impulse.”

Reading Rilke’s words struck an accord with my schedule-driven frenzy.  What if, just what if, the answer to rest, relaxation and a return to independence laid WITHIN?!  I could literally hear God whispering “duh” in my ear and repeating Rilke’s words as:

“… ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I PRAY?”

Looking within, slowing down, turning to prayer, turning to writing…the middle of my 10-day renovation vacation has led me to the beach.  No more lists for the time being—more Rilke, a little E.L. Doctorow, and embracing the WITHIN.

Every month I gather with fifteen other young adults from the New York City area as part of the Jesuit Collaborative’s Contemplative Leaders in Action Program (CLIA).   The purpose of the group is to lead by reflection.  That is, through prayer, literature, discussion and community involvement, we seek to first better understand ourselves so that we might then better understand the world in which we live.  All of us who gather with the program lead incredibly active, diverse and devoted lives professionally, academically and spiritually.  We are engineers, investment bankers, educators, hotel managers, lawyers and marketing specialists who have been formed in Jesuit education and want to continue to lead, pray and live lives of service and faith.  If you are reading this blog, chances are a group like this is right up your alley and you might want to read more about the program and the Collaborative at: http://www.jesuit-collaborative.org/CLIA-Opens-in-Two-New-Cities .

A couple of months ago I looked through the CLIA syllabus and noticed the phrase “personality indicator tool” alongside the next two upcoming meeting dates.  Clearly our beloved group leader suspected that the clever phrasing might sound a little less harsh than PERSONALITY TEST.  A bit begrudgingly, our group of engineers, bankers, lawyers, teachers and wall street gurus sat down to take the personality indicator, the Enneagram.  Little did we know the results would bring welcomed and accurate “labels” for who we are, how we lead and where we might grow as leaders.  While the Enneagram itself is not explicitly rooted in Christianity, it is based on the premise that through self-awareness, we can use our strengths to better serve and live lives of leadership.  Therefore, it is easy to see how the tool can be situated in a Christian framework.  In fact, the process of taking the personality indicator and answering focused Enneagram questions reminded me very much of the daily practice of the Ignatian Examen.  In the Enneagram, focused questions, lead you to a number (one through nine) that is your “type.”  The premise is that people of the same type have the same basic motivations and communication patterns, and view the world in fundamentally similar ways.  The Enneagram groups its questions under the following five categories: 1) What is your driving force? 2) What behaviors do you rely on to get what you long for? 3) What role do you usually take in relationships? 4) How do you react under stress? And, 5) What will make you truly satisfied?  Just as the Examen asks you to look back at the day, at your actions and choices, the Enneagram helps to pinpoint where your personality shines, where you are at peace, and in what ways you bring peace to others.  Yet, the learning aspect of the Enneagram comes with the discussion of where your personality needs to grow and be stretched in order to fully embrace and live a fulfilled life as a scholar, friend, worker, lover, caregiver or confidant. If you’re interested in learning more about the Enneagram, look into Richard Rohr’s book The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective. This rich, extensive book prods you as you figure out your type, situating the tool within a Christian framework and offering anecdotal remarks along the way of Saints who embodied each of the nine types.  Alternatively, two websites that offer comprehensive Enneagram material are: http://www.9types.com/ and
http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/.

Once we fifteen engineers, investment bankers, educators, hotel managers, lawyers and marketing specialists had our defined Enneagram numbers in hand, perceptions of the “personality indicator tool” slowly began to change.  Unlike any personality test I, or others, had taken, something seemed very Christ-like about the brutally honest and reflective conversation that followed.  The gist of it was: “let me explain who I am and how I am so that we can better work, live and serve together.” Since the first CLIA-Enneagram meeting, I have used the “personality indicator tool” to have reflection-based discussions with roommates, coworkers and friends.  Going throughout my days now with people who I now know to be “threes” or “nines” has helped me to better understand our relationship and how to effectively work, live and pray together with those around me.  Consider my “personality indicator tool” skepticism erased.  And, in case you are wondering, I’m a “two.”

I was recently proctoring the ACT college entrance exam to New York City public school  juniors and seniors in a small, white-walled room with no windows (thanks to construction going on around the building’s perimeter that meant all four windows were encased in a bubble-wrap-like material.) The desks were in single file roles exactly 5’ apart from one another in all directions and students sat quiet, stiff and seemingly dead to the world     listening to me drone on with the nittiest of the griddiest directions.

While 19 students were supposed to be lined up at the door at 7:30 am on a Saturday to show admissions offices just what they are made of, only 4 not-so-eager troopers actually pulled through and were sitting in front of me. Hour one rolled into hour two and two into three, four—calculators, sharpened pencils, 5 minute warnings, tissue distribution, and a whole lot of silence, unspoken tiredness and staring at the wall. And on the wall…

The only decoration in the entire testing room was a series of 7 posters entitled “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens.” Each poster detailed in words and in illustrations what a teen must do in order to be successful, exceptional, presumably thriving and triumphant. Not allowed to do anything but stand and stare at the environment around me, I spent a lot of time thinking about these 7 keys to success and how they might relate to not just college-bound teenagers, but Catholics as well who are trying to be “highly effective.”

Sean Covey and his dad, Stephen Covey, coined the phrase “7 Habits of Highly Effective (insert age level here)” and the posters that surrounded me and the 4 test-takers included:

1) Be Proactive
2) Start with the End in Mind
3) Put First Things First
4) Think Win-Win
5) Seek First to Understand then to be Understood
6) Synergize
7) Sharpen the Saw

The habits are not mandates, or rules, or Commandments, but instead recommendations for attitudinal and behavioral modifications that will lead to success. I’ll admit, at first, I thought the list was overwhelmingly uncomplicated. “Be Proactive” by showing up to your ACT test on time, “Start with the End in Mind” by realizing that you need a good score on the test in order to get into college and you should therefore, put “First Things First” and pick your sleepy head off your desk and actively engage in the test in front of you. However, when I began making the analogy to “Highly Effective Catholics” this seemingly uncomplicated list got a little more convoluted and complex.

Q. As a successful Catholic, how do we ensure that we are being “Proactive?” A. Daily prayer, weekly mass, creating opportunities to engage in our faith—doing service, talking with others. And another question…Q. What is “The End in Mind” that we, as Catholics, are starting with? A. The Kingdom! As I started going down the list, with the analogy in my head, I developed more sympathy for the 15 no-shows. How often do I, as a Catholic, lack in my “Proactiveness” or in my ability to “Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood?” Let’s just say that too often, I find myself demanding things of God rather than patiently listening for his words or not showing up for that daily moment of prayer like the students missing from my ACT room. Perhaps we have more in common than my original highly judgmental impression of their absence suggested.

As the final minutes ticked by on the official ACT clock, I realized just how hard it was going to be to “eat my words” and my “judgments,” leaving the room with the intention of becoming a “More Highly Effective Catholic.” First things first—now I’ve written down my analogy and am off to discover in what other ways I can be more effective, as a person of faith.

Photo: “Proactive” by “Jonathan Assink” from Flickr (Used under Creative Commons license)