Stuck in the second person or learning how to want for nothing
I tried counting how many times a day I say “I want…”—it was sad. I really want a lot. Not necessarily “possessions” as St. Ignatius originally talked about in the Spiritual Exercises, but more modern attachments that I falsely believe will bring me peace. I want my kids to be successful. I want a financially stress free life. I want more time to myself or to be with those I love. For some reason (or could that be because of some spirit??) I think if those things were to happen, then life will be complete. I would be fulfilled. I would want for nothing.
Although it is hard to admit, I know better. I know these attachments would, at best, be a temporary fix—my kids’ idea of success is not mine; I am able to pay off this month’s bills, but the next comes on just as strong; I get that beloved moment or two to myself —and in truth it is a gift, but still the clock ticks on and eventually I am back to moments of daily living and more wanting. At best I can placate those desires, but they will, in time, again be unfulfilled. And who knows what missed opportunities for growth remain hidden in what I wasn’t seeking? In the meantime, all that “attachment” is distracting me from the reality that is and from my true ultimate desire: “to be better able to serve God.”
Ignatius talks about three types of people—the first never quite makes time for intentionally growing as a person, just living from want to want (oh yeah, been there, done that!). The second does lots of good things to grow or become less attached to the things of this world, but can’t quite bring themselves to give up that one attachment (vice, habit, distraction, desire) that rules their soul (yep, that’s me!) And then there is the third, who can honestly say to themselves “my only want is to do God’s will” and take the time to honestly discern it and then live it. I have been blessed in my life to know a few of those people.
I think we are misled though by Ignatius naming these people as static “types” rather than dynamic beings, types of persons you cross some line and supposedly become forever. In this life, I don’t know that any of us is ever static—we are constantly moving…either towards or away from God. Our petty wants move us away. Our focused desire to be One moves us toward God. And on that dynamic journey we each have times of being all three people—times we are just too busy and don’t make the time to grow in this instant, times we do and say all the right things, but don’t face what is really hindering us from growing, and…times of equilibrium, when we can cast off our wants, knowing true fulfillment lies beyond them.
So in place of where I would say “I want…” a hundred times a day, I say “I am grateful for what is. I am open to what may be. I want for nothing, but to know the will of God, and be the person I am capable of being.” Ironic how the psalmist knew this thousands of years ago and I am still trying to get to it today. It may just be a moment of saying so, but it is in those moments of relinquishing our wants to the will of God that we live this faith, this Ignatian life.
Photo: “Desire and Greed” by “Photos8.com” from Flickr (Used under Creative Commons license)
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