Yesterday I returned from a retreat at St. Benedict’s Center in Schuyler, Nebraska. Just me, the pond (which they call a lake but being from the Great Lakes State I know is actually a pond), and the comfy brown easy chair in the quiet single room… three days, no computer, no phone, no friends or family. I felt very Ignatian! And though I wrote and wrote while I was there, now I am struggling to know how to share from this, my first ever spiritual retreat.

Whenever I write about spirituality I find I try too hard to simplify it down to one or two catchy tidbits that can stick. I would be great at limericks if there was still a market for that kind of thing. Really what I should say to you is GO, take a retreat. Sit in silence and stare at the water, notice all the layers of reflection. The music you will need is not on your Ipod but the sound of the wind chimes or the birds that made a secret nest in the rain gutter above your head where you can sit and drink cup after cup of coffee and listen. “Eternity is not later or in any undefinable place.” said Mary Oliver to me while we sat together. “These are a few of your disordered attachments…” from God and St. Ignatius.

I’ve read that when we pursue contemplation the fruit in our lives will not feel like consolation necessarily or warm and fuzzy prayer times, but it will be obvious to those around us. I have gotten so many compliments on being a better person in the two days since I got back, “You seem happier.” “You look great.” “You’re like a new person.”  “You’re so optimistic!” All these gifts of a better self that I can offer the people around me come from simply taking some space and stillness. I know I have been given a lot of fruit from those three days away. Yet, while I was on retreat I struggled with the same anxiety I’ve been fighting for the last few months, several times I almost left and drove home. The only thing that kept me there was the fact that the front desk seemed to be providentially closed every time I tried to pay my bill and leave early.

At some point this weekend I realized that this is a season of huge growth for all of us who finished the exercises this summer, and that brings with it anxiety. If we can be present to ourselves, whether on retreat or on retreat in daily life, and listen to what the anxiety is heralding, we’ll be ready for the fruit of God’s work that’s being offered to us.

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