My friend just showed me his new tattoo, a replica of an icon of the Blessed Mother and Jesus on his forearm, absolutely breathtaking. “Icons have long noses for wisdom and small mouths for humility, the idea being that they don’t speak very often.” he continued as he showed me the actual image on the internet. I thought that if I ever became a saint and they made an icon of me they wouldn’t have to alter it much because I have a long nose and a small mouth. As for the corresponding virtues… well.Sister Dorothy gave me a theme for Advent reflections; when to speak and when to keep silent. At first my theme applied to the things that I say from my mouth to the ears of those in hearing vicinity, than it expanded to letters and e-mails, and finally the last few days to twitter, Facebook, my blog. We speak a lot in 2009 in the US. I spoke a lot in 2009 in the US.

I have done four things this morning, made coffee, prayed my examen, am writing this blog post and deactivated my Facebook account. A friend and I talk about how Facebook brings us both into sin. When she looks at Facebook pages she thinks “Look at these beautiful people leading perfect lives, I’m not good enough.” I have the opposite reaction. When I look at my ‘friends’ and compose my status updates I feel superior, like I have something important to say, a life more relevant than theirs and they should all read what I say and affirm it. (This post is getting increasingly vulnerable.)

This summer I began to lament that community life shows how much the people you love love power, I raged against it where I saw it around me. This fall the rage has subsided to the realization of my own desire for an even more public life than I already have; the needs for acclaim, recognition and affirmation overwhelm my speech and my thoughts. I don’t just want to be with the band, I want to be the band!

I have lost touch with my own irrelevancy because I haven’t made the space to have an internal life, to be silent. Having a blog, writing monthly prayer letters, having a Facebook… all the speaking has crowded out time for silence. I had to finally admit this Advent that I don’t have the holiness yet to speak in all these places with a small mouth and a long nose. I don’t have the holiness to lead a public life that isn’t about me.

Mary said “From now on all generations will call me Blessed because the Lord has done great things for me.” Not because I am smart, funny, sarcastic, or super wise but because God did something beautiful in me that brought joy, life, freedom to others. I was humble and I said “yes.”

For 2010, I’ll pray for a long nose and a small mouth.

Photo: “Des dames du temps jadis” by “serlykotik1970″ from Flickr (Used under Creative Commons license)

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