Hear I AM
What am I looking for? Is it love? Acceptance? Understanding? Purpose? What words do I put on the thing or experience that I think will help me feel like I am doing my part in this world? Is there a word? I am not sure that I have any answers that have not been covered at least 10,000 times by minds more nimble than mine. Words…words…words…
I have felt inarticulate as of late. I have been traveling for the last six weeks, never staying in one place for more than ten days, occasionally waking up and forgetting where I am. To be sure, I have had beautiful experiences with family and friends. I have seen the sun set over mountains, on plains (in planes), and rise over pine trees and frozen hills. I am grateful for the experience. I have experienced conversations in cultures (both in the US and outside) that have opened my eyes in new ways. The thing is, I cannot really say much about them. I do not know what to say. They have not had time to settle. I have not had time to process. I do not have the words available. Further, looking at the news of the world and seeing murder, mayhem and madness floating alongside stories of beauty and grace, I do not know how to feel.
Culture shock, mixing with the mental and emotional saturation of the holidays, the glut of food, family, friends and foreigners, leaves me just feeling worn. I feel like hibernating. I feel like sinking into the sluggishness of the season. I know I think things and that I feel something. I am just not sure it matters if I say what. I mean really, is it necessary to say anything? Is it necessary to try to muddle through the mental slog and describe the sediment of some sentiment? Is there any articulation that will actually help matters?
I am not so sure. In fact, maybe articulation is what I want to avoid.
My real desire, see, is to let myself drift into a quiet place away from the noise and hullabaloo of the next big entertainment event (Grammy’s Superbowl, Olympics, Oscars) and listen.
Thank God Lent is coming.
These are the desert days for me. These are the days when I want to go out into the barren land and learn to listen again to the voices of my soul. I do not want to avoid the World so much as I want to remember how to listen to it. I want to remember how to hold the events of my day along side the events of the world and let them coexist. I need to remember how to let go of the desire to do and give into the awareness of “I AM.” I want to remember the voice of the one crying out in the desert. I want to remember how to let myself be moved again and respond once more as a child of God.
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