This Ignatian Life

Today I am struck that the theme emerging from my daily meditations this past month is my dependency on God to be centered. Still in the preparation weeks of the 19th annotation, I keep thinking “When will I get to sin?” That thought is always followed quickly by “Who says that?!” In Love, A Guide for Prayer by Bergan & Schwan, every prayer meditation starts with a declaration of our dependency on God. I’m dependent on God even for God to meet me in silent prayer. I never realized that. I keep bringing my work ethic into my prayer life; if I can just focus harder, God will meet me. If I think myself into a prayer frame of mind I’ll be centered.

It doesn’t work that way. I can’t find my center by grabbing for it, and can’t keep it by working to hold onto it. In some mystical meeting of my surrender and God’s action I hear the Spirit. In the moments I release control, or even desire to control I can keep hold of my center when I feel surrounded by chaos. I’ve only found that has really happened a few times in the last month, the spare moments when I was able to truly stop and be dependent on something other than myself. Those moments were breathtakingly beautiful.

Ah, St Ignatius and Sister Dorothy get it right again.

We know nothing until we know everything

I have no object to defend

for all is of equal value to me.

I cannot lose anything in this

place of abundance I have found.

If something my heart cherishes

is taken away,

I just say “Lord, what happened?”

And a hundred more appear.

- St Catherine of Siena

Photo: “18: Full Circle” by “Anna Gay” from Flickr (Used under Creative Commons license)