This Ignatian Life

The other day, someone asked me where I like to pray.  I started to respond back quickly with the familiar: church, before meals, on retreats, before I go to bed.  And then I started thinking about the past month and the times when I remember intentionally turning to God to share a laugh, mutter a desire, say a thank-you or to simply be aware of God’s presence.  Laying in bed after the alarm went off, in the shower, on the subway, at PETCO, after I tripped but saved myself from falling, watching my niece and nephew blow out their birthday candles, stuck in traffic while road tripping to Upstate NY, and looking at pictures on Facebook of summer weddings, baby arrivals, family vacations, anniversaries & beyond.  Each of these places and circumstances, though far different from the next, share the common thread of my need for, and turning towards, God’s presence.

I’m not sure what made me pause before responding to the initial question that was asked of me, but in the 20 seconds that I stopped to make this mental list I was yet again reminded of one of the most valuable gifts my Jesuit education and Ignatian spirituality…to look for, and actually find, God in all things.  Mother Theresa put it another way: “Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.”  When we are actually setting out every morning with this mindset it becomes difficult, near impossible, to separate what is “prayer,” what is “religious,” and what is “my faith” from what is “not prayer” or “not my faith.”  How wonderfully solid and purposeful life becomes when it’s all faith— starting from the tiny little crevices of life that blend together, bond together, to give us the strength we need to be true disciples of Christ.

As a teacher, like most professions, I oftentimes have to carefully divide my time, my duties and my attention into concrete categories.  If I didn’t I’d never get anything done.  It is important that I plan a certain number of minutes of grammar instruction weekly, I have to set aside a particular number of hours to grade each week or else June would come and no grades would appear, and literary discussions must give way to the algebra class next door after a mere 55 minutes have past. But, when it comes to my faith, I’ve learned to embrace taking it out of the boxes and throwing it all around.  The mental image of a teenager’s bedroom with clothes strewn about comes to mind.

When I was on the road trip Upstate, I had the luxury of XM radio.  I’m not so good with technology even when I have nothing else to focus on, so driving in the car made it a darn near impossible task to master.  Luckily, my co-pilot was quick with the buttons and didn’t complain too much when my eclectic musical tastes shifted from Bluegrass Junction to 90’s on 9 to The Fish.  At a brief stop on The Fish, a radio announcer somewhat sheepishly dealt listeners the line: “God’s spreads His goodness like a 3 year-old spreads his peanut butter.  He just gets it all over the place.”  What a perfect image for our prayer life—spread it out all over the place and get it in every nook and cranny.  That’s how I like to pray.

My landlord invited my roommate and I to leave our apartment this month to do some renovations on the roof, bathroom and ceiling.  At the end of another dizzying school year this seemed like the perfect time for a vacation, yet the shoestring budget of a NYC Catholic school teacher wouldn’t allow much wiggle room for fleeing.  Needing the extra money that summertime tutoring brings and maybe a cake gig or two, I knew I wouldn’t really be able to go far.  Instead, I packed my bags, several books, and my computer and prepared to live a little bit here, a little bit there, visiting friends and doing a little bit of soul renovating along the way.

The first few days of renovation (a.k.a. my displacement) were spent finishing work from the school year–typing Word documents at the speed of light, updating curriculum, preparing reports on struggling students, etc.  I have to commend myself— I was pretty darn productive.  And then the work finished itself up and I was left staring into the tabula rasa that is summer ’10.  This is where the trouble began.  The lack of structure, certainty and purpose in my days was terrifying.  With the predictability and routine of my work environment and my home environment now gone…I too felt gone, lost and unsupported.  My confident, determined, and usually task-driven self all of a sudden felt without purpose.  Why so glum, I thought, when this is SUMMER and well-deserved relaxation should be a welcomed prospect?  The type-A in myself decided to sleep-it-off and wake up in the morning with a concrete list of tasks to put me back on track—go for a walk, do some laundry, call a friend in Omaha, read 2 chapters of a book, bake a pie.  Notice that nowhere along the way did I stop and turn to God…nope, I was the task master.

Go for a walk—check

Laundry—check

Phone call—check

Pie—check

Book— check, and…stop.

The book I picked up was Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet.  I have read through it several times—sometimes slowly mulling over Rilke’s advice and other times racing through the text on a face-paced commute simply to “kill time.”  No matter when read or in what style, Rilke’s message always feels fresh and new.  There’s always something different I am left with at the end of a simple leaf-through.  This time around, it was his advice on writing that stuck with me and his advice on avoiding look OUT to somehow prove one’s worth WITHIN:

“You are looking outside, and that is what you should most avoid right now.

No one can advise or help you – no one.  There is only one thing you should do.  Go into yourself.  Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write.  This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write?  Dig into yourself for a deep answer.  And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple “I must,” then build your life in accordance with this necessity; your while life, even into its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impulse.”

Reading Rilke’s words struck an accord with my schedule-driven frenzy.  What if, just what if, the answer to rest, relaxation and a return to independence laid WITHIN?!  I could literally hear God whispering “duh” in my ear and repeating Rilke’s words as:

“… ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I PRAY?”

Looking within, slowing down, turning to prayer, turning to writing…the middle of my 10-day renovation vacation has led me to the beach.  No more lists for the time being—more Rilke, a little E.L. Doctorow, and embracing the WITHIN.

Parties have been on my mind lately. Last weekend I helped to throw a birthday party for my niece, this week there were two birthday celebrations at work and tonight I’m having a few friends over for a dinner party. That being said, I cannot get Luke’s words out of my head:

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:38-42)

I am much more of a Martha than a Mary. Dinner parties, lesson planning for my classes, birthdays, vacations…. I busy myself with little distractions, oftentimes to the detriment of my enjoyment of the “event” itself. When I think about the kind of party I would like to throw if Jesus was in my neighborhood for the evening, I immediately begin making lists:

1) Homemade snacks of all kinds
2) Cake fit for a King
3) Extravagantly long guest list
4) Party games? Which ones? (Is Jesus more of a Taboo buff or Scattergories nut?)
5) Clever music (I’m thinking of a catchy i-tunes mix with the first song being Chicago’s
“You’re the Inspiration.” Would He get it?)

In the midst of my planning for this fictional, overly ambitious dinner party I am reminded of Jesus’ reminder to Martha, “Stop being worried about so many things and just enjoy the moment!” This week I am going to take a cue from Mary: worry less, busy myself less and live more in the moment. I suspect this just might make the presence of Christ all the more clear to me in the classroom, in my conversations with friends, and during the dinner party that is happening in t-minus one hour. I’ll keep you posted on my “less is more efforts!”

Every month I gather with fifteen other young adults from the New York City area as part of the Jesuit Collaborative’s Contemplative Leaders in Action Program (CLIA).   The purpose of the group is to lead by reflection.  That is, through prayer, literature, discussion and community involvement, we seek to first better understand ourselves so that we might then better understand the world in which we live.  All of us who gather with the program lead incredibly active, diverse and devoted lives professionally, academically and spiritually.  We are engineers, investment bankers, educators, hotel managers, lawyers and marketing specialists who have been formed in Jesuit education and want to continue to lead, pray and live lives of service and faith.  If you are reading this blog, chances are a group like this is right up your alley and you might want to read more about the program and the Collaborative at: http://www.jesuit-collaborative.org/CLIA-Opens-in-Two-New-Cities .

A couple of months ago I looked through the CLIA syllabus and noticed the phrase “personality indicator tool” alongside the next two upcoming meeting dates.  Clearly our beloved group leader suspected that the clever phrasing might sound a little less harsh than PERSONALITY TEST.  A bit begrudgingly, our group of engineers, bankers, lawyers, teachers and wall street gurus sat down to take the personality indicator, the Enneagram.  Little did we know the results would bring welcomed and accurate “labels” for who we are, how we lead and where we might grow as leaders.  While the Enneagram itself is not explicitly rooted in Christianity, it is based on the premise that through self-awareness, we can use our strengths to better serve and live lives of leadership.  Therefore, it is easy to see how the tool can be situated in a Christian framework.  In fact, the process of taking the personality indicator and answering focused Enneagram questions reminded me very much of the daily practice of the Ignatian Examen.  In the Enneagram, focused questions, lead you to a number (one through nine) that is your “type.”  The premise is that people of the same type have the same basic motivations and communication patterns, and view the world in fundamentally similar ways.  The Enneagram groups its questions under the following five categories: 1) What is your driving force? 2) What behaviors do you rely on to get what you long for? 3) What role do you usually take in relationships? 4) How do you react under stress? And, 5) What will make you truly satisfied?  Just as the Examen asks you to look back at the day, at your actions and choices, the Enneagram helps to pinpoint where your personality shines, where you are at peace, and in what ways you bring peace to others.  Yet, the learning aspect of the Enneagram comes with the discussion of where your personality needs to grow and be stretched in order to fully embrace and live a fulfilled life as a scholar, friend, worker, lover, caregiver or confidant. If you’re interested in learning more about the Enneagram, look into Richard Rohr’s book The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective. This rich, extensive book prods you as you figure out your type, situating the tool within a Christian framework and offering anecdotal remarks along the way of Saints who embodied each of the nine types.  Alternatively, two websites that offer comprehensive Enneagram material are: http://www.9types.com/ and
http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/.

Once we fifteen engineers, investment bankers, educators, hotel managers, lawyers and marketing specialists had our defined Enneagram numbers in hand, perceptions of the “personality indicator tool” slowly began to change.  Unlike any personality test I, or others, had taken, something seemed very Christ-like about the brutally honest and reflective conversation that followed.  The gist of it was: “let me explain who I am and how I am so that we can better work, live and serve together.” Since the first CLIA-Enneagram meeting, I have used the “personality indicator tool” to have reflection-based discussions with roommates, coworkers and friends.  Going throughout my days now with people who I now know to be “threes” or “nines” has helped me to better understand our relationship and how to effectively work, live and pray together with those around me.  Consider my “personality indicator tool” skepticism erased.  And, in case you are wondering, I’m a “two.”