In secular terms, my husband has finally reached his sabbatical year as a professor so we cleaned out every drawer and closet, packed all our worldly belongs (far too many for people who profess to live a simple life), rented out the house, and with three children in tow, moved to Latin America for five months (most people would say a rather insane thing to do.) I have withdrawn from my job, erased the daily family calendar of its myriad activities, and said goodbye for just a little while to friends and family. Gone are the daily habits, comforts and tools of my busy suburban American mother’s life. Internet access is now scarce. Playdates don’t happen without playmates. And, in truth, gone as well is the certitude with which I could handle anything given my cell phone and a credit card.

And here I sit. My slate is clean.

Well, almost. In true reflection I must admit there are a few things to which I remain attached, things I do miss or things I have brought with me that I couldn’t leave behind (yes, I had six duffle bags, 50lbs each—hardly a simple life!) Ignatian Spirituality suggests we hold onto those things that bring us closer to God and let go of those things that take us away from God. It is the discernment of what and how we are holding things that now comprises my life. Knowing, for a time, that I simply cannot experience some things allows me to breath deep, sit with that desire and, in open conversation with God, ask “So what’s up with that? Why am I missing it so much? What part of You does it give me?” And for those things I did bring, I now have time and space to ask “Why could I not let this go? Where are You in this? And How am I called to hold this now?”

And I note some angst in me. Angst that five months is not enough to begin to clean the slate of my life. Angst that I will not find the peace I seek nor the depth I crave nor the faith to make that leap into a life that is truly a response to God. And I hear my spiritual director’s voice in my head “Is that angst of God or something else?” Be gentle with yourself. Breathe.

And the angst melts into gratitude for what truly is of God in my life. For the voice of love and support that says simply and confidently “Be on the Path.” For time …to pray, read, reflect and grow. For opportunities …to guide my kids in understanding the ways of a new culture and the beauty of all people and to learn myself how to speak a new language. For getting to be the support system for my husband to do his work.

Gratitude for this gift. For the gift of a lifetime.

Why didn’t I recognize that I have had this all along?

Photo: “http://www.flickr.com/photos/35108044@N00/3263050143/in/photostream/”>DSC_7809.jpg” by LilMyNatascha from Flickr (Used under Creative Commons license)

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